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Wine & Gyn Episode 8: Want to Want to Have Sex

Episode 8 is brought to you by the overwhelming desire to want more sexual desire!

80% of women we polled aren't having as much sex as they want but 100% say they believe they can do something about it! So much wanting to want sex, and that's a big step in and of itself- so go you!! There are definitely seasons when you aren't connected to how good sex can be for you, your mental and emotional health and your relationship! We dive into libido this episode to provide some insight, tips for revving up and communication encouragement to keep the lines open between you and your partner while you sort through it. 

What we have learned is that getting turned on isn't always as simple for women as it can be for men. It's not just a physical thing for us- we are often much more complex in this area. We need to be stimulated emotionally and mentally too- what we need to feel close and open and ready is different from woman to woman.

Social pressures and the way media portrays sex and the woman's desire for sex don't always help the situation. It's not often that this subject get broached in a relatable way- which makes it even more compelling for us to discuss! We have other people playing characters telling us what we should have and what a fulfilling sex life looks like. The first step to understanding your libido might be redefining a healthy sex life for yourself and take your eyes off of what you think you "should" be enjoying- whether it's ideals about frequency, length, performance or other major pressures that contribute to us taking on other people's opinions. Ask your yourself and your partner:

How often would you like to have sex? What time of day and what kind of things get you feeling most ready to have sex? 

Consider making a sex goal with some of the answers to those questions- making a small and specific goal to agree to work on your sex life. Some of the women in our in-person meetup picked things like, "initiate sex twice a week", "don't turn him down", "have more non-sexual cuddle time", "have more morning sex.". It can be anything! Stick to it for a month, loop your partner in on it and see what happens!

Many of us feel like we had healthy libido when we were younger. Maybe it was before kids; we had less responsibility; less people needing us, touching us; more sleep and and more leisure time. So what exactly causes our desire to go down? Hormones, breastfeeding, low energy, fatigue, sleepines, body image, tension, lack of time to enjoy activities that fill us up, hormonal contraceptives or other medications, thyroid and other systemic dysfunction, mood disorders- and that's just the tip of the iceberg. As you can see, there's a ton of reasons that our libido goes down after we become moms, as we age, and as we wane in our health. 

Piecing libido back together can be as multi-faceted as the reasons it got disturbed in the first place, so approach this with patience. One of the elements that tends to complicate getting libido back is when it feels like a one sided issue in your relationship. It's something that both partners should be working on. Try to find ways to communicate the things that make you feel relaxed, loved, taken care of and affectionate in non-sexual ways. Even if what you're talking about is that you're still working on wanting sex more often- keep the talk open and frequent. Most men feel the most loved and connected when they are physically intimate and the rejection and hurt from your lack of desire can complicate things more than necessary if it goes undiscussed. You are both on the same team here!

Also know that your efforts are worthwhile! Women who have sex handle stress better, in turn helping prepare them to enjoy sex more frequently! Hows that for a double duty? Sometimes what you really need to feel sexy is to connect emotionally with your partner- maybe this looks like carving out talk time, cuddle time that doesn't lead to sex and other ways of expressing intimacy without the pressure of sex.

Sometimes bigger elements are at play that take a more functional approach to address. It may be that caring for your physical body with healthier foods and more movement are needed. Some women receive acupuncture and need to take supplements to address the root cause of their low libido. There are other women who utilize essential oils, vaginal steaming and even talk therapy to treat their low desire for sex.

Whatever the barrier to you enjoying your sex life to the fullest- hear us say this: it's worth working on, talking about and being patient while you thoughtfully address it. What are some of the suggestions mentioned here that resonate with you? What small changes can you make and how can you monitor growth in this area? Send us an email with your thoughts, we always love to hear what works for women tackling their libido.

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